I'm trying to decide if I want to make a new journal.
because I'm not sure if I want you reading anymore.
whoever you are anyway.

there's nothing I can do now. But sit and watch everything fall apart and fall into place. I can't grab which piece I want and put it together to form myself some happy ending. All I can do is watch, hoplessly.

I know I'm losing everyone, I saw it coming. I see everything that's coming. I know everything that's happening. That's whats wrong with me, I know to much. I know to much wrong and not enough right.

I want to go back to the days where I took everything out on myself, go back to the days where I believed in my half-empty glass stiriving for more to fill that fucking cup. Yet now I've fallen into some other demension I don't understand and have blocked all of my views to some other kind of person. I would hate to say self-ish but it sounds almost true. I won't allow it to happen.

I don't want to go out, I don't want to leave my room. The days when I could've killed to be doing something constantly are over.  I don't want to see things anymore, be with people, have fun, and "live my life." I'm sick of trying now, I'm sick of even making an effort. I fail at everything. I'll never escape what I made myself become. Now, right now I'm accepting it. I destroyed myself and there's a diffrence between broken and damaged.  I'm offiically giving up on trying because whats the point in trying if I don't get anything at all.

I crossed your name off my list because you turned out just like the rest. I'll never take another step again toward that road again. That side of my brain is officially crashed and burnt out. I'm done trying in that criteria, I don't think I can really take another.

Here's my final bow. I'm done, here I'll stay and watch everything fall into place into a direction that isn't clear, a road with no signs. Which ways wrong, which ways right I don't know anymore. If this is all apart of growing up, I'm not too sure I'm very fond of it.

"I'll write this down inside my heart,
for you to see all the times
I tried so hard to take away every smile,
every dream, in your heart
We'll say tonight we made a difference, for once,
but whose to blame?
Cause I try so hard, but for what reward?
When our worlds, they are the same.

Leave me alone made this decision
and now I live to it.
There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight

makes tomorrow look so good.
There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight
makes tomorrow look so good.

I'll paint a picture, so you can see
exactly what I mean, when I scream my lungs out
and try to get to you, to get to you.

Leave me alone
I made this decision
and I live to it.
I don't care where we go from here,
but I am on my own.

There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight
makes tomorrow look so good.
There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight
makes tomorrow look so good."

Is everything I blocked out keeping me from reality? Because everything I ever believed in I let it fade into the dark, just for the sake of everyone around me. I believe it also changed me in a way, that made everyone around me almost disgusted.
I'm feeling like everyone liked me better when I was miserable. Being in a diffrent state of mind almost makes me a diffrent person.

I'm afraid I'm going to loose everyone, everything I ever worked for. That I hit my climax with people and they will slowly fade away. So then I'll return to my rut state of mind. So then history can repeat itself and everyone will slowly come back. There really is no winning situation here.

I always know when I'm happy. If I'm afraid I'm running out of time I'm not happy. If I'm thinking the opposite then I'm just fine.

I'll go back slowly, I'll let history repeat itself slowly. To be honest I'm afraid that I secretly perfer myself feeling that way because it seems to keep my mind off of you. Or does it? Being in this state of mind, I can't find the answer for anything now.

What's there for me to do when I'm trapped inside time. What can I do when time really isn't on my side. I'm stuck here seeing memories passing by, being created, being lost. Looking into the thoughts of what could be, looking into reality of what isn't. On the floor where I sit I see everything that's fallen. Picking it up and puzzling it back together hoping that all this time everything happened for a reason. That will hopefully lead me to where I need to be. What if it was hopeless? Now what? Back to square-one.

I can't think of your face. I can't think of a face. I'm better off on my own, how I've been this whole time. The thought of knowing it will never happen, just like the rest. Just like it happened to the rest is what disturbs me. Because I've never felt this way toward someone so much. I'm indenial. I think that's what hurts me the most. That's when I need my sharp object by my side. But I'm not ready to give up. There's not much I can do when time isn't on my side. I'm sorry...

There are to many perspectives, opinions, views, to really make a correct answer. Maybe if everything was together you might just get what your looking for.

I could type for hours about what I'm thinking. Knowing one day I'm going to be old, knowing that one day is going to be the day 30 years from now. I'm afraid the thoughts that are going to run through my head are going to be me regretting myself. That what I'm doing now is wrong. I need something to come along and reassure me that I'm doing just fine.

I'm doing something wrong. Back to sqaure-one.
Things shouldn't be this way.

I don't know how to fucking start. or how to type I've ran out of ways to put my thoughts into words. What burns inside of me, i' don't even know how to put it into words. My head pounds like i'm holding a giant cinder block on top of me. Everything i feel twisting inside of me seems almost point-less but yet it has meaning and I want to throw up every fucking piece that is making me fall and bleed. This feeling of time passing so fast and everything not being right is sickning. My life isn't bullshit but inside i hate every fucking thing that has to do with anything that i can not have and everything I want to be. I'm blinded by my thoughts and I can't see in the mirror what everyone eles sees. I was blessed with a decent life and yet I sit here and cry myself to sleep. I hate the fact how ungrateful I am, how there other people out there starving. Yet that dosen't mean just because i have food in front of me and both a mother and a father dosen't mean  I am happy. I can't put myself down into words to release everything out of me and how i just hate the fact knowing everything is wasting away and how i'm making such a big deal out of little things, but grandpa told me to always remember "the littlest things are important". Everything in my head contradicts itself so there is just this rageing ass battle inside of me due to the fact I always see two diffrent points of views. I always look at every single point of view in life and every single one has a meaning and a point to it. I'm lost in life and I can't find my way or how to let go of anything that holds me down. I'm scraping the floor with my hands as i'm being dragged into this black utterly repulsive reality of life. As the pressure builds inside everything seems to just blacken and fade, as i become blind everything becomes hazy and I start to feel sick and numb. I can't even cry. My episodes are so strong I'm suprised I'm not dead yet. I'm almost afraid I won't ever make it out. but just the feeling knowing i'm almost 16 years old and feel that everything is fucking wasted, So i have to think hard and deep and sweep through the blindness and remember everything I've done, everything I'm doing, that it's not wasted. I just have to keep remembering so I can get by.
 

I'm sick of waiting for everything to turn. I don't have a good enough reason to give up though. So I'm forced to stay.

Nothing lasts forever. After writing my last blog and basically just letting everything out I felt much better, in a way as if I was carrying around a concreate block and I just let it go. But that concreate block didn't stay down to long, I seemed to have picked it right back up a few days later. But now all of a sudden the block just seems to have disappeared. I've never felt this good in a long time. As if all my burdens and sorrows melted right before me. This obviously what I'm experiencing is life and growing up. Things can't be bad forever. Those terrible six years have marked me forever. There isn't even a word made up to describe what I was and how I felt. However though I didn't feel that always of course I was happy at times, but there was always that concreate block that I was dragging around.

I'm not sure what it was that made the concreate block disappear but I seem to be happy right where I am at this moment in life. School is coming up and I'm going to try for all A's. (pfft I say that every year) I hope my concreate block dosen't come back. I don't think it will though.
This is good, I like change.

These lonely nights drive me crazy. As if I'm going insane in my room. As if my own room takes away my sanity.
Sitting here and dwelling on all these thoughts feel like a brick smashing at my face.
I'm not so sure where I'm going in life and what I'm living for. All I have are my friends and they are just what keep me breathing to this very day.
I feel ashamed because my parents are two successful intelligent people and I'm not even close. I lack so much talent and I'm not intelligent in any way. I know I can't make them proud, so I suppose that's the only reason why I play sports, because that's really the only thing I can do by putting a smile on their face.
I'm not so sure when I'll ever have a clear concious while eating a meal or a simple snack again. 
I wish I weren't so ungrateful because I have good things in my life like "friends, family, clothes, and food." but I seem to be wanting so much more. Like my mind craves for so many things in life (not purchasable things). But I'm not so sure where to begin because you see I'm pretty far behind in life. I may only be 15 but there so many things I haven't experienced for a 15 year old human. Well besides traveling and site-seeing that is.
Where I'm even standing these days I'm not so sure. I don't even have goals to reach, no plans, or even something to make me look foward to the future besides my death bed. It kills me because just sitting here thinking in this room alone brings me down to level zero.
I hate being stupid, doing and saying stupid things. Like I'm not intelligent. I'm just a good entertainer I guess you could say but I have no talent in anything. Which leads me to believe I've wasted years of my life doing nothing to make me a better person or lead me to anywhere that will get me somewhere. I think hard and deep, about things in reality or about myself. I know I over commit myself in somethings but thats because I'm trying to get somewhere.  I hate knowing that right now if my life were to end I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't care. 
Sometimes I realize I'm blind. That there must be so many good things I don't see. That I'm not looking at. I'm too busy worried about the things I want, and the negative things I have. But then again it's hard to look at the good things because all I see is my handful of friends that I care so much about and my family. I care to much about people, and I continuousily want to add more people to my life to care for. I want to please and make all kinds of people laugh.
The clothes and money my parents shatter me with don't mean anything because I wear the same clothes out of the many I have all the time. I don't want things, and materials to make me happy. They don't make me happy. I want to be a better person and other things that I don't even know how to name to make me happy. I don't see how people can just let other people go out of there lives. 
I suppose this is just all apart of growing up and this makes me sound like a selfish person. But it's my life so shouldn't I just think of myself at least for a bit? I mean I'm trying hard to succeed in things and make things better. I want a better out look on life. I want to see things in a more positive way. I don't want to starve anymore. I don't want to sit in this dark room and think so deep about things. I want to be that fun giddy careless person that I am. Being yourself isn't easy. Because only you can count all of your flaws. I seem to have quite alot and I tend to count them over and over again. I sit here and think deep, I find them, and I keep counting. I count till those flaws till they smash me and soar through the roof of my bedroom. I know I'm a good person, or at least I try to be. I don't deserve the things I bring apon myself but it's hard to ignore those things when you know they are real, and you know they are true. So it brings me down, and it's hard to come back up.
I can't ever bring myself  to ever kill myself. I can't ever bring myself to let go. I can't ever bring myself to starve myself enough. Because like I said earlier I don't see how people can just let other people go. I can't leave those handful of people I have. I care to much about them rather than myself. Other than that I have this some sort of hope. Some sort of hope for what the future holds. Hoping for good things in life to come. I want to be able see those good things. The ones I wait for all the time.
Not only do I look for my flaws but I do try to see the good things in life, but for some reason the good things are just hard to find. So maybe I'm blind, and I just need a smack or two across the face for me to see. 
I've taken things out of hands and blown things out of poportion in many ways, so now I'm typing away for you all to read. So you can point and laugh, then return to the thoughts you have about yourself and the many flaws that you yourself count.
So I guess this is all apart of growing up. These feelings I will feel forever until the future unlocks and new thoughts come and old ones go. Where flaws will disappear and new ones will arrive. Hopefully I'll have less to count.
Just one day I hope this all goes away, and I'll be happy with my handfull of people and I'll fall asleep and be able to want to wake up in the mornings. I will make that one day come, and I'm going to promise myself that.
I've written alot and I'm to concerned with making you read to much other than pouring more of my thoughts down. I'm to concerend with making you keep reading other than trying to relieve myself. I care to much. 
I do hope for someone to oneday call mine, but I'm not so sure when that day will come and I want it soon. But I have no one in mind, I'm empty handed on this subject. I just want to know what it feels like. To have someone else love you, and you feel the same intensity. To me that's just unreal. 
By imagining the way I want my life to be, I end up over-comiting. I try and go for it, and I end up falling. But I brush myself off and get back up, sometimes with knees trembling. But I never stay down. I guess with the consistancy of falling brings me to the deep thoughts I have. I just want to be able to stand up without falling for once. I just want that balance in life.
I don't want to think about dying anymore. I don't even want to even consider it. I don't want to let go. I've got to many responsibilites and my handful of people. I couldn't do that to my mom and dad. I can't disappoint them. So I hope not to loose my handful of people so I can keep on breathing and passing my good days with them. Making me smile, because I can't seem to make myself do it. I'm spilling it here and all here now. This is who I am, and this is what I feel. I don't want to let go. Don't let me let go.

Alot of the time the phrase "Fuck this" passes through my mind.
I don't want to give up on anything, I don't want to stop trying or having hope for something that i have no clue for.
I want things to feel right, things feel good and at ease.
Why are things so bad for me, I mean come on I try.
I hate laying awake at night and telling myself "don't try, quit, just stop bothering"
Why can't things just be the way I want them to be?

World your stupid.
America your stupid.

I can't see myself in 5 years.

Whatever fuck this. Fuck you.
I hate you for never giving me a chance.
I hate you. I hate you fucking all.

i try. I fail. Hello beautiful life.
I'm sorry. I'm not really this way
I'm a happy go giddy person.

I'm going to wal-mart tomarrow. I give.

I really don't want to post this.

I hate clewiston. I hope the lake explodessssssssssssss
and alligators eat you all.

:]]]]]]] I feel better.

Sometimes I just want to quit trying all together. Quit in everything, just throw my hands up in the air and say I'm done. I quit with everything. But there's something  telling me I can't quit, because there maybe something. I've been waiting for something good for 6 years. It comes gradually slowly in little packages. Sure I have all kinds of shit, and I have family and friends. But that dosen't mean I'm truely happy. Doesn't mean I have to be happy. I'm not an ungrateful child, i'm grateful for everything. That's why I beat myself up. I'm sick of everyday being a bad day. Am I not allowed to be rewarded a good day? I'm sick of things, I'm sick of algebra, I'm sick of being unsuccessful in everything. I sick of not being satisfied and having low self esteem toward myself. I want to look in the mirror and just be happy, I want to look and just have that confidence. I'm fucking tired of writing negative things in this journal. Sometimes I just want to end it all, because I can only take so much. I don't waint to fail in life. This is the only life I got, and I've blown six years of it pissed off at the world. How much longer? I broke one bad habit and I'm willing to break it all. Fucking suck it up already geeze.

I'm putting my foot straight through the floor this time.
I'm not falling down to anymore things this so called "life" throws at me. 

I'll do what I usually do, laugh at it, and make some kind of sarcastic remark.

Let's make a round of applause. I'm pulling through.
haha, pulling  through your grandma's dick.
( Yeah, I think I'll be just fine)

In english class yesterday, we had a discussion about why people mistreat the disabled. My whole class gave bullshit answers. They sound so uneducated when they talk about topics. My answer was "We mistreat the disabled because we don't know what it's like to be disabled, and simply because they are disabled." The real answer is People mistreat the disabled because it's funny. Because People find it funny to mistreat the disabled. As sadistic as it sounds, it's reality. Welcome to America:]]

People are only voting for Hilary Clinton because she is a woman, and Obama because he is black, pardon black isn't a race I meant African American. (Did I spell Obama right?) That disgusts me, judging on gender and race. 

Tip: Everyone's a hypocrite.

April showers bring may flower
Fuck you april.
I hate your stupid humid mornings.
I hate your stupid showers.
I hate your long miserable hott days.
I hate how every april day your bring me is a horrible day.
I hate how in april my grades look like shit.
I hate the name april.
I hate the feeling of growing up.
I hate the feeling of being angry.
I hate the feeling of hating the feeling.
I hate cleaning ladies.
I hate doing something one after another.
I hate algebra.
I hate distance.
I hate how I'm dirt.
I hate not knowing things.
I hate dad for not understanding "the grade system"
I hate the goober fuck who stole my zune
I hate this town
I hate how I want him
I hate how I'm scared it's not real
I hate Metal detectors
I hate my hair.
I love my life?
I hate how people can't stand "change''
Hey April Blow me.

People complain all the time about change. Either about me changing, things changing, life, Ect. First I could give two shits about me changing. I'm the way I am because I want to be this way. I love the way things are, I am content and happy. I don't care what anyone has to say, dropdead. I'm changing to where I am now comfortable to speak my mind more often and stick up for myself and not let people walk all over me. Don't give me your shit honestly. If your starting not to like me, it's simple, don't talk to me, drop me, scrap me out of your life like chewed gum off a shoe.

I like change. I like things new fresh and diffrent. I don't like living the same old thing everyday. I want something new, something changed. My aunts house was really diffrent when i visited this week. It was nothing like my memories. But i wasn't sitting there like a baby all pissed because things weren't the "same". I liked it, I like change. Sure there are a few exceptions about change I suppose.  but overall you get the point I like change.
Now honestly if I'm "diffrent" don't tell me. I am aware, and if i'm not doing anything about it. It means I don't care. I'm worn out and I'm tired, give me a break. I'm always doing something 24/7.

Another thing, fuckkkk do not tell me about my hair. It's normal to me. You sit here and make all these comments about it and then I look in the mirror and i'm like wtf it looks normal. To me my hair is normal. Don't tell me you like my old hair, because I dun care. Maybe if i liked it, it would still be the same. It's the way it is because "I" want it that way. I'm not here to impress you, I don't care about what other people think so that means I don't care what you have to say.

I'm sticking up for myself from now on. I'm not letting people walk all over me.

When I sit at home alone, I feel like I lost my friends. Because I'm so use to always being with them all the time. Well after track practice of course. Once track is over, I'm giving my friends every single piece of attention there is. Because i hate not being with them. They are what made me better. They are what made me happy, they pulled me through. Without them I'm sad to say that I would be six feet under the ground by now.

I know with track we've distanced. It's annoying knowing the things I could be doing with you guys when instead I'm running on long oval shaped concerate.

I'm sorry