lisaisradd

Between you and me.

2009-03-12T00:15:08Z

It's almost a year to April. April marks the time of last year where I tried to shut everything out and give up. Where I was really to let go. This lasted all the way to October where it's left a mark on me. It's almost another year that I can't get over hating myself. This is something that I've been trying to fix.

I never took it into realization until I was actually told. I'm a perfectionist, I never believed in perfect but when he told me I took a minute to reflect on myself and everything I've done and I said "Oh my god.....your right." Every single defect that I hadn't planned out and couldn't perfect tore me in two.
I should have realized this when mom told me "How could you do this to yourself?......You were so perfect"

I never considered myself perfect, I was so low in thought so profound with everything inside. You couldn't tell from looking at me.
You don't know me.

I think of something perfect, something that could be, I know that could be, that if I tried, or if time was on my side. And knowing that things weren't that way or aren't that way.........kill me. Because that tells myself "you really aren't good enough"

It's sad, nothing bad has ever happened to me. Well anything that has I put it upon myself. And it's all my fault for what I put myself through. but that's not entirely true because everything I did had meaning and sitting here saying this i'm starting to remember Why I did it and if i typed it all out I'd be typing to long and besides it's irrelevant. I need to block them back out.

I really don't understand why I can't unhook the past or just let somethings go. Maybe it's this constant reminder I have carved on my arm or something that I just can't change in my head. Or the past is just to apart of me, and if i let it go I become a diffrent person that everyone will find someone they don't want to be around. It won't be "their Lisa."

I am afraid.

Laying awake at night is the worst. I hate it because it's so pitiful and there is nothing wrong with me. At the moment there is, but not a good explanation to cry. I don't cry but crying is just what I have to do from keeping me going back. And god do I want it back.

I get pissed at everyone whose a fucker because they don't understand what I sacrifice for myself just for them. I don't do it because of you, because of all of you. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to tell everyone to fuck off. I have so many people in my life, It's unbelievable.
It's not normal and I'm always afraid I will fuck something up and i will lose you or all of you so I make sacrifices. But maybe I should start living for me? .......funny I have nothing to live for anyway.

I hate knowing, and I hate not knowing. There is no winning here.

You don't know who I am. Unless we sit down together in a room and I talk to you for hours. Like the man who told me who I was.
I haven't seen him since.

and all I ever repeat inside.

"Oh my god, what was I thinking"

lisaisradd @ 2009-02-02T17:42:00

2009-02-02T22:57:35Z

I'm trying to decide if I want to make a new journal.
because I'm not sure if I want you reading anymore.
whoever you are anyway.

there's nothing I can do now. But sit and watch everything fall apart and fall into place. I can't grab which piece I want and put it together to form myself some happy ending. All I can do is watch, hoplessly.

I know I'm losing everyone, I saw it coming. I see everything that's coming. I know everything that's happening. That's whats wrong with me, I know to much. I know to much wrong and not enough right.

I want to go back to the days where I took everything out on myself, go back to the days where I believed in my half-empty glass stiriving for more to fill that fucking cup. Yet now I've fallen into some other demension I don't understand and have blocked all of my views to some other kind of person. I would hate to say self-ish but it sounds almost true. I won't allow it to happen.

I don't want to go out, I don't want to leave my room. The days when I could've killed to be doing something constantly are over. I don't want to see things anymore, be with people, have fun, and "live my life." I'm sick of trying now, I'm sick of even making an effort. I fail at everything. I'll never escape what I made myself become. Now, right now I'm accepting it. I destroyed myself and there's a diffrence between broken and damaged. I'm offiically giving up on trying because whats the point in trying if I don't get anything at all.

I crossed your name off my list because you turned out just like the rest. I'll never take another step again toward that road again. That side of my brain is officially crashed and burnt out. I'm done trying in that criteria, I don't think I can really take another.

Here's my final bow. I'm done, here I'll stay and watch everything fall into place into a direction that isn't clear, a road with no signs. Which ways wrong, which ways right I don't know anymore. If this is all apart of growing up, I'm not too sure I'm very fond of it.

"I'll write this down inside my heart,
for you to see all the times
I tried so hard to take away every smile,
every dream, in your heart
We'll say tonight we made a difference, for once,
but whose to blame?
Cause I try so hard, but for what reward?
When our worlds, they are the same.

Leave me alone made this decision
and now I live to it.
There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight

makes tomorrow look so good.
There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight
makes tomorrow look so good.

I'll paint a picture, so you can see
exactly what I mean, when I scream my lungs out
and try to get to you, to get to you.

Leave me alone
I made this decision
and I live to it.
I don't care where we go from here,
but I am on my own.

There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight
makes tomorrow look so good.
There's so many things that I could say,
but this "goodbye" tonight
makes tomorrow look so good."

stop

2009-02-01T21:53:34Z

Is everything I blocked out keeping me from reality? Because everything I ever believed in I let it fade into the dark, just for the sake of everyone around me. I believe it also changed me in a way, that made everyone around me almost disgusted.
I'm feeling like everyone liked me better when I was miserable. Being in a diffrent state of mind almost makes me a diffrent person.

I'm afraid I'm going to loose everyone, everything I ever worked for. That I hit my climax with people and they will slowly fade away. So then I'll return to my rut state of mind. So then history can repeat itself and everyone will slowly come back. There really is no winning situation here.

I always know when I'm happy. If I'm afraid I'm running out of time I'm not happy. If I'm thinking the opposite then I'm just fine.

I'll go back slowly, I'll let history repeat itself slowly. To be honest I'm afraid that I secretly perfer myself feeling that way because it seems to keep my mind off of you. Or does it? Being in this state of mind, I can't find the answer for anything now.

What's there for me to do when I'm trapped inside time. What can I do when time really isn't on my side. I'm stuck here seeing memories passing by, being created, being lost. Looking into the thoughts of what could be, looking into reality of what isn't. On the floor where I sit I see everything that's fallen. Picking it up and puzzling it back together hoping that all this time everything happened for a reason. That will hopefully lead me to where I need to be. What if it was hopeless? Now what? Back to square-one.

I can't think of your face. I can't think of a face. I'm better off on my own, how I've been this whole time. The thought of knowing it will never happen, just like the rest. Just like it happened to the rest is what disturbs me. Because I've never felt this way toward someone so much. I'm indenial. I think that's what hurts me the most. That's when I need my sharp object by my side. But I'm not ready to give up. There's not much I can do when time isn't on my side. I'm sorry...

There are to many perspectives, opinions, views, to really make a correct answer. Maybe if everything was together you might just get what your looking for.

I could type for hours about what I'm thinking. Knowing one day I'm going to be old, knowing that one day is going to be the day 30 years from now. I'm afraid the thoughts that are going to run through my head are going to be me regretting myself. That what I'm doing now is wrong. I need something to come along and reassure me that I'm doing just fine.

I'm doing something wrong. Back to sqaure-one.
Things shouldn't be this way.

My best is always my worst

2009-01-25T05:46:11Z

I am disgusted with everything I write. Every key I touch, because everything I write is never good enough.

All I ever wanted was some meaning. Some meaning to something, and now everythings coming out so truthfully. Your face is burned inside my brain and just the sight of it makes my face wrench because your so perfect and how I long to be with someone like you. I've rejected every boy, every single boy because I'm just waiting for my chance. I'm not sure I want to wait forever, but God, if it hurts this much it must be love.

You don't understand, I don't think anyone understands. I want to put it into words but I can't. I'm trapt in this cage I locked myself inside. If could I'd starve until I was no more. Dad's aware that I'm not afraid to make myself go. He made me promise I wouldn't leave him. He cried.

I wish I knew the truth. Something to so fake. something said to everyone. You give it all the same. A simple response can end it all like that.

I feel as if I'm failing my own standards, I believe I am.
and now I'm at a loss for words.

2009

2009-01-06T07:03:38Z

It's already 2009. A whole new year, another year away from my horrible past that I've basically just blocked out.

I've learned alot of things and have discovered alot of answers to things I really wish I didn't know.
I've decided that everything does happen for a reason, and maybe if I would have chosen things differently then everything would have came out to be a better outcome than they are now. But I can settle for this position I am now. I'm semi-content, and can see positive things in every angle now which is a major step-up.

All the emotions of 2008 and the fewer years disappear forever, same goes for the scars. I'm no longer that person I once was and have to accept that. Because even though everything is okay now I still feel the same on the inside and I have to let it all go. It's now another year later another month, another week, another day, hour, minute, second, ago from all that shit I did to myself. Now it's time for all of it to disappear.

I don't know what this year will bring me but hopefully nothing but good, and something I've been waiting for, for along time. I've done nothing but made the person I've tried to make myself out to be and make everyone see who I am. I have count-less friends for that now.

I'm just basically ranting because I'm trying to spit something out but I'm not sure what it is I really I have to say. I can't put my thoughts down into words really because everything in my head is so complex that it can't be made into words.

As soon as I figure out how to put them down, you'll be hearing it.
It's just kind of hard when everything that comes out of me is never serious.

lisaisradd @ 2008-12-15T16:05:00

2008-12-15T21:06:56Z

I wish i could give up.

lisaisradd @ 2008-10-05T21:23:00

2008-10-06T01:42:38Z

I don't know how to fucking start. or how to type I've ran out of ways to put my thoughts into words. What burns inside of me, i' don't even know how to put it into words. My head pounds like i'm holding a giant cinder block on top of me. Everything i feel twisting inside of me seems almost point-less but yet it has meaning and I want to throw up every fucking piece that is making me fall and bleed. This feeling of time passing so fast and everything not being right is sickning. My life isn't bullshit but inside i hate every fucking thing that has to do with anything that i can not have and everything I want to be. I'm blinded by my thoughts and I can't see in the mirror what everyone eles sees. I was blessed with a decent life and yet I sit here and cry myself to sleep. I hate the fact how ungrateful I am, how there other people out there starving. Yet that dosen't mean just because i have food in front of me and both a mother and a father dosen't mean I am happy. I can't put myself down into words to release everything out of me and how i just hate the fact knowing everything is wasting away and how i'm making such a big deal out of little things, but grandpa told me to always remember "the littlest things are important". Everything in my head contradicts itself so there is just this rageing ass battle inside of me due to the fact I always see two diffrent points of views. I always look at every single point of view in life and every single one has a meaning and a point to it. I'm lost in life and I can't find my way or how to let go of anything that holds me down. I'm scraping the floor with my hands as i'm being dragged into this black utterly repulsive reality of life. As the pressure builds inside everything seems to just blacken and fade, as i become blind everything becomes hazy and I start to feel sick and numb. I can't even cry. My episodes are so strong I'm suprised I'm not dead yet. I'm almost afraid I won't ever make it out. but just the feeling knowing i'm almost 16 years old and feel that everything is fucking wasted, So i have to think hard and deep and sweep through the blindness and remember everything I've done, everything I'm doing, that it's not wasted. I just have to keep remembering so I can get by.

lisaisradd @ 2008-08-19T20:46:00

2008-08-20T00:51:26Z

I'm sick of waiting for everything to turn. I don't have a good enough reason to give up though. So I'm forced to stay.

lisaisradd @ 2008-07-16T11:32:00

2008-07-16T15:43:00Z

Nothing lasts forever. After writing my last blog and basically just letting everything out I felt much better, in a way as if I was carrying around a concreate block and I just let it go. But that concreate block didn't stay down to long, I seemed to have picked it right back up a few days later. But now all of a sudden the block just seems to have disappeared. I've never felt this good in a long time. As if all my burdens and sorrows melted right before me. This obviously what I'm experiencing is life and growing up. Things can't be bad forever. Those terrible six years have marked me forever. There isn't even a word made up to describe what I was and how I felt. However though I didn't feel that always of course I was happy at times, but there was always that concreate block that I was dragging around.

I'm not sure what it was that made the concreate block disappear but I seem to be happy right where I am at this moment in life. School is coming up and I'm going to try for all A's. (pfft I say that every year) I hope my concreate block dosen't come back. I don't think it will though.
This is good, I like change.

I can be profound.

2008-07-02T05:47:07Z

These lonely nights drive me crazy. As if I'm going insane in my room. As if my own room takes away my sanity.
Sitting here and dwelling on all these thoughts feel like a brick smashing at my face.
I'm not so sure where I'm going in life and what I'm living for. All I have are my friends and they are just what keep me breathing to this very day.
I feel ashamed because my parents are two successful intelligent people and I'm not even close. I lack so much talent and I'm not intelligent in any way. I know I can't make them proud, so I suppose that's the only reason why I play sports, because that's really the only thing I can do by putting a smile on their face.
I'm not so sure when I'll ever have a clear concious while eating a meal or a simple snack again.
I wish I weren't so ungrateful because I have good things in my life like "friends, family, clothes, and food." but I seem to be wanting so much more. Like my mind craves for so many things in life (not purchasable things). But I'm not so sure where to begin because you see I'm pretty far behind in life. I may only be 15 but there so many things I haven't experienced for a 15 year old human. Well besides traveling and site-seeing that is.
Where I'm even standing these days I'm not so sure. I don't even have goals to reach, no plans, or even something to make me look foward to the future besides my death bed. It kills me because just sitting here thinking in this room alone brings me down to level zero.
I hate being stupid, doing and saying stupid things. Like I'm not intelligent. I'm just a good entertainer I guess you could say but I have no talent in anything. Which leads me to believe I've wasted years of my life doing nothing to make me a better person or lead me to anywhere that will get me somewhere. I think hard and deep, about things in reality or about myself. I know I over commit myself in somethings but thats because I'm trying to get somewhere. I hate knowing that right now if my life were to end I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't care.
Sometimes I realize I'm blind. That there must be so many good things I don't see. That I'm not looking at. I'm too busy worried about the things I want, and the negative things I have. But then again it's hard to look at the good things because all I see is my handful of friends that I care so much about and my family. I care to much about people, and I continuousily want to add more people to my life to care for. I want to please and make all kinds of people laugh.
The clothes and money my parents shatter me with don't mean anything because I wear the same clothes out of the many I have all the time. I don't want things, and materials to make me happy. They don't make me happy. I want to be a better person and other things that I don't even know how to name to make me happy. I don't see how people can just let other people go out of there lives.
I suppose this is just all apart of growing up and this makes me sound like a selfish person. But it's my life so shouldn't I just think of myself at least for a bit? I mean I'm trying hard to succeed in things and make things better. I want a better out look on life. I want to see things in a more positive way. I don't want to starve anymore. I don't want to sit in this dark room and think so deep about things. I want to be that fun giddy careless person that I am. Being yourself isn't easy. Because only you can count all of your flaws. I seem to have quite alot and I tend to count them over and over again. I sit here and think deep, I find them, and I keep counting. I count till those flaws till they smash me and soar through the roof of my bedroom. I know I'm a good person, or at least I try to be. I don't deserve the things I bring apon myself but it's hard to ignore those things when you know they are real, and you know they are true. So it brings me down, and it's hard to come back up.
I can't ever bring myself to ever kill myself. I can't ever bring myself to let go. I can't ever bring myself to starve myself enough. Because like I said earlier I don't see how people can just let other people go. I can't leave those handful of people I have. I care to much about them rather than myself. Other than that I have this some sort of hope. Some sort of hope for what the future holds. Hoping for good things in life to come. I want to be able see those good things. The ones I wait for all the time.
Not only do I look for my flaws but I do try to see the good things in life, but for some reason the good things are just hard to find. So maybe I'm blind, and I just need a smack or two across the face for me to see.
I've taken things out of hands and blown things out of poportion in many ways, so now I'm typing away for you all to read. So you can point and laugh, then return to the thoughts you have about yourself and the many flaws that you yourself count.
So I guess this is all apart of growing up. These feelings I will feel forever until the future unlocks and new thoughts come and old ones go. Where flaws will disappear and new ones will arrive. Hopefully I'll have less to count.
Just one day I hope this all goes away, and I'll be happy with my handfull of people and I'll fall asleep and be able to want to wake up in the mornings. I will make that one day come, and I'm going to promise myself that.
I've written alot and I'm to concerned with making you read to much other than pouring more of my thoughts down. I'm to concerend with making you keep reading other than trying to relieve myself. I care to much.
I do hope for someone to oneday call mine, but I'm not so sure when that day will come and I want it soon. But I have no one in mind, I'm empty handed on this subject. I just want to know what it feels like. To have someone else love you, and you feel the same intensity. To me that's just unreal.
By imagining the way I want my life to be, I end up over-comiting. I try and go for it, and I end up falling. But I brush myself off and get back up, sometimes with knees trembling. But I never stay down. I guess with the consistancy of falling brings me to the deep thoughts I have. I just want to be able to stand up without falling for once. I just want that balance in life.
I don't want to think about dying anymore. I don't even want to even consider it. I don't want to let go. I've got to many responsibilites and my handful of people. I couldn't do that to my mom and dad. I can't disappoint them. So I hope not to loose my handful of people so I can keep on breathing and passing my good days with them. Making me smile, because I can't seem to make myself do it. I'm spilling it here and all here now. This is who I am, and this is what I feel. I don't want to let go. Don't let me let go.

lisaisradd @ 2008-06-01T11:44:00

2008-06-01T15:45:02Z

My journal is all negative. Honestly I am not like this in person.
I sound like a total fggt.

Endings without stories.

2008-06-01T15:43:15Z

Telling Mom "fuck you" and smashing the plate was great, it felt great. It was something I've been wanting to do for along time.
I've never been so disappointed in my father, I can't look up to you anymore- thanks to mom.

Everyone's in some kind of Bad dream they can't wake up from.
Then once you wake-up, you seem to just fall right back to sleep.

I'm Rambling

2008-05-04T03:41:53Z

Alot of the time the phrase "Fuck this" passes through my mind.
I don't want to give up on anything, I don't want to stop trying or having hope for something that i have no clue for.
I want things to feel right, things feel good and at ease.
Why are things so bad for me, I mean come on I try.
I hate laying awake at night and telling myself "don't try, quit, just stop bothering"
Why can't things just be the way I want them to be?

World your stupid.
America your stupid.

I can't see myself in 5 years.

Whatever fuck this. Fuck you.
I hate you for never giving me a chance.
I hate you. I hate you fucking all.

i try. I fail. Hello beautiful life.
I'm sorry. I'm not really this way
I'm a happy go giddy person.

I'm going to wal-mart tomarrow. I give.

I really don't want to post this.

I hate clewiston. I hope the lake explodessssssssssssss
and alligators eat you all.

:]]]]]]] I feel better.

oh and so far it's day 15.
Where'd you go?

Endless days, endless nights lead to endless frights.

2008-04-19T03:55:20Z

Sometimes I just want to quit trying all together. Quit in everything, just throw my hands up in the air and say I'm done. I quit with everything. But there's something telling me I can't quit, because there maybe something. I've been waiting for something good for 6 years. It comes gradually slowly in little packages. Sure I have all kinds of shit, and I have family and friends. But that dosen't mean I'm truely happy. Doesn't mean I have to be happy. I'm not an ungrateful child, i'm grateful for everything. That's why I beat myself up. I'm sick of everyday being a bad day. Am I not allowed to be rewarded a good day? I'm sick of things, I'm sick of algebra, I'm sick of being unsuccessful in everything. I sick of not being satisfied and having low self esteem toward myself. I want to look in the mirror and just be happy, I want to look and just have that confidence. I'm fucking tired of writing negative things in this journal. Sometimes I just want to end it all, because I can only take so much. I don't waint to fail in life. This is the only life I got, and I've blown six years of it pissed off at the world. How much longer? I broke one bad habit and I'm willing to break it all. Fucking suck it up already geeze.

lisaisradd @ 2008-04-14T05:54:00

2008-04-14T09:57:06Z

Maybe I'm just over thinking things. Maybe I just need to see things for what they are and stop making something out to be that it's not.
It's just annoying because it seems almost to good to be true.

Sadistic

2008-04-12T14:16:16Z

I'm putting my foot straight through the floor this time.
I'm not falling down to anymore things this so called "life" throws at me.

I'll do what I usually do, laugh at it, and make some kind of sarcastic remark.

Let's make a round of applause. I'm pulling through.
haha, pulling through your grandma's dick.
( Yeah, I think I'll be just fine)

In english class yesterday, we had a discussion about why people mistreat the disabled. My whole class gave bullshit answers. They sound so uneducated when they talk about topics. My answer was "We mistreat the disabled because we don't know what it's like to be disabled, and simply because they are disabled." The real answer is People mistreat the disabled because it's funny. Because People find it funny to mistreat the disabled. As sadistic as it sounds, it's reality. Welcome to America:]]

People are only voting for Hilary Clinton because she is a woman, and Obama because he is black, pardon black isn't a race I meant African American. (Did I spell Obama right?) That disgusts me, judging on gender and race.

Tip: Everyone's a hypocrite.

Cause I can fly.

2008-04-12T02:42:04Z

April showers bring may flower
Fuck you april.
I hate your stupid humid mornings.
I hate your stupid showers.
I hate your long miserable hott days.
I hate how every april day your bring me is a horrible day.
I hate how in april my grades look like shit.
I hate the name april.
I hate the feeling of growing up.
I hate the feeling of being angry.
I hate the feeling of hating the feeling.
I hate cleaning ladies.
I hate doing something one after another.
I hate algebra.
I hate distance.
I hate how I'm dirt.
I hate not knowing things.
I hate dad for not understanding "the grade system"
I hate the goober fuck who stole my zune
I hate this town
I hate how I want him
I hate how I'm scared it's not real
I hate Metal detectors
I hate my hair.
I love my life?
I hate how people can't stand "change''
Hey April Blow me.

lisaisradd @ 2008-04-11T21:53:00

2008-04-12T01:55:02Z

PeterxMartinez (3:56:22 AM): [[[[: bby you honestly have no clue how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I dnt know how I lived life without you. yer the most amazing person ive ever met.you make me smile and laugh like no other since day one [: yer all I think about and all I ever want. Yer the only girl for mee I wanna hold you, hug you, kiss you, marry you and never let go [: lisa walker you are my everything, you have all of me my mind, body, soul, and heart and I dnt ever want it back because iam in love with you for forever<33

(I've never had someone tell me something like that before.)

Ohh the Massacre

2008-04-05T03:59:04Z

People complain all the time about change. Either about me changing, things changing, life, Ect. First I could give two shits about me changing. I'm the way I am because I want to be this way. I love the way things are, I am content and happy. I don't care what anyone has to say, dropdead. I'm changing to where I am now comfortable to speak my mind more often and stick up for myself and not let people walk all over me. Don't give me your shit honestly. If your starting not to like me, it's simple, don't talk to me, drop me, scrap me out of your life like chewed gum off a shoe.

I like change. I like things new fresh and diffrent. I don't like living the same old thing everyday. I want something new, something changed. My aunts house was really diffrent when i visited this week. It was nothing like my memories. But i wasn't sitting there like a baby all pissed because things weren't the "same". I liked it, I like change. Sure there are a few exceptions about change I suppose. but overall you get the point I like change.
Now honestly if I'm "diffrent" don't tell me. I am aware, and if i'm not doing anything about it. It means I don't care. I'm worn out and I'm tired, give me a break. I'm always doing something 24/7.

Another thing, fuckkkk do not tell me about my hair. It's normal to me. You sit here and make all these comments about it and then I look in the mirror and i'm like wtf it looks normal. To me my hair is normal. Don't tell me you like my old hair, because I dun care. Maybe if i liked it, it would still be the same. It's the way it is because "I" want it that way. I'm not here to impress you, I don't care about what other people think so that means I don't care what you have to say.

I'm sticking up for myself from now on. I'm not letting people walk all over me.

lisaisradd @ 2008-03-28T17:15:00

2008-03-28T22:06:30Z

When I sit at home alone, I feel like I lost my friends. Because I'm so use to always being with them all the time. Well after track practice of course. Once track is over, I'm giving my friends every single piece of attention there is. Because i hate not being with them. They are what made me better. They are what made me happy, they pulled me through. Without them I'm sad to say that I would be six feet under the ground by now.

I know with track we've distanced. It's annoying knowing the things I could be doing with you guys when instead I'm running on long oval shaped concerate.

I'm sorry

Inhale life

2008-03-23T15:51:26Z

I woke up this morning to my sister yelling "DUCKIES!". I got up and put pants on (yeah I like to sleep in my underwear sometimes) and went in the hall. Sure enough there was a duck in her hand. Then I look over and mom hands me a baby duck. I named my duck "Taco".

Last night we went and saw an Elvis impersonation as a family. That's the second Elvis impersonation I've seen. It feels weird knowing you've seen more than one Elvis impersonatioins.

I got a new hair style. When people keep saying I'm "changing". If you haven't noticed I've had four diffrent hair styles of the past year. So basically change is apart of me. I want to keep improving myself, making myself look better, and feel better. If you don't like it don't give me your opinion because you can just drop dead =]

I'm making new friends in a diffrent area. It's like a whole diffrent world in ft. lauderdale. Things are way diffrent from Clewiston. It's fun to experience it. I would like to show Heather my world over here in Clewiston.

Mom, your getting better everyday. I don't know what it is, but your noticing things and starting to care. You don't complain as much, your acting like a mom. It makes me happy, It makes me feel better. Thank you for everything.

Reach for the sky if you feel alive.

2008-03-12T00:53:13Z

I'm here now.
I'm waiting now.
I feel like somethings going to happen.
Something wonderful.

Ofilia (cleaning lady) comes tomarrow. I wonder if she'll find it. I wonder if she sits in my room and searches for them and then throws them away. Well she can't have these two. She can't have anymore.

When you find yourself happy. You find it a strange feeling. I'm talking the content kind of happy where you have no worries or bad thoughts. After 5 to 6 years and stoping and continuing through this year of sadness and negative thoughts, those feelings become who you are after all those years. So when you find yourself happy and content, it's a bit strange. It dosen't feel like you. and the scary thing is, that you secretly almost miss the sadness because thats who you were/are.

Time for change.

Spread love like violence

2008-03-10T01:58:42Z

Life has it's turning points and changes. We all change and become diffrent people, we become what we want to become.
We are what we are. Some people have trouble seeing someone for who they are. Some people only see beauty, race, sexuality, popularity, personality, wealth, style, ect. If we could all see eachother for who we are I think things would be more at ease. Just because someone looks beautiful or attractive dosen't mean you should fuck them, or try to date them. There are so many people out there that are not looked apoun because of there outter self. We should change the world.

Humans create things that kill eachother. Shouldn't we be creating things that help eachother?
We rape eachother.
We kidnap eachother.
We lie. We cheat.
We hurt.
I'd like to turn the world upside down for a change. But the thing is, its reality, and it's only going to get worse.

I'm still not quite sure what i want to be when i grow older. I really know i want nothing that has to do with math or algebraic equations.
I want to get my braces off. I'm ready to stop covering my mouth when i smile.

Keep singing now.

2008-03-06T02:55:47Z

High School brought me many new friends. In which I love all of them dearly, no matter how much I know them or how long I've known them. Any single person that I have respect for I love. I don't know what eles to say about this topic. I just love you if your something to me.

I feel my time slipping by, each and every second of the day. I know what they mean by the saying "time flies by". I always try to slow it down but it seems merely impossible. I have only a few more years before I become a legal adult . That scares the crap out of me because I care nothing about my future, i have no clue or no plans for my "adulthood". Really I'm just planning on not growing up. Right now I want to make each and everyday a memory, for you and for me. I'm trying super extra hard to be where and who i want to be before this time goes by. The school year is almost over and not to long ago it had just started. I'm not letting this so called "time" defeat me and take what i've got left away. Take my hand and lets do something with this time that we all have left. I'm not going to let it waste away.

I really honestly need to start doing homework, I've taken the habit of doing it in school every day. I don't like that. I know my grades will be better and my father will be happier if i do it at home. I have an English rough draft due tomarrow, and algebra. I will be doing that tomarrow in school.
ugh lame stupid homework gay ass freaking teachers with there lame lives of giving homework.

ROTT

2008-03-04T03:13:19Z

I look in the mirror, and it makes my face cringe.
I went to a show in ft. lauderdale.
The devil wears prada, A day to remember, protest the hero, and silverstein.
I have to thank my mom for putting it together in order for me to go.
She's been mom like lately and I like it. i love her.

There's nothing i want to write about.
Just a tip: if your having a bad day, throw a dead tadpole at your sister.